2021 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 1, Part 1

Pride of Detroit

For the past couple years, I have feared that the life was being sucked out of our annual Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament. Whether it be from the same old schtick with these articles or simply stale names, I felt a bit uninspired running these the last few times.

However, with a new regime and a new set of players, the Name Bracket has new blood and new energy. Our first installment this week—the Kickalicious Region—features 10 new names of the 16 combatants. New names means new facts to figure out and more hyjinx to be had.

So without further ado, here are the first-round matchups for the Kickalicious region in the 2021 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament.

1. Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 16. Tim Boyle

Lions fourth-round pick Amon-Ra St. Brown comes in as the odds-on favorite to win this thing. But as we’ve seen with these tournaments in the past, sometimes our votership takes offense to those assumptions and tries to take down the one-seed right off the bat. Given that St. Brown is a rookie, I doubt that happens, but Tim Boyle does have an ace up his sleeve.

Tim Boyle is…. TB12.

That’s right. Tim Boyle is sporting the number 12 this year, and he comes from similar background as the other TB12. When the Patriots acquired Tom Brady—for a fifth-round pick—the Patriots were under a brand-new head coach hoping to start anew. Boyle—who went undrafted—now enters a Lions rebuild as a backup as well.

What does this have to do with a Name Bracket Tournament? Nothing. I just want a written record for this comparison when Jared Goff gets injured and Tim Boyle becomes the next Tom Brady and leads the Lions to two decades of a dynasty.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    Amon-Ra St. Brown

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Tim Boyle

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

8. Hunter Bryant vs. 9. Randy Bullock

Hunter Bryant is on upset watch, but it will depend on the voting demographics here. I underseeded Randy Bullock in hindsight, because our fans over the pond have already expressed their excitement for him. Who wouldn’t get excited over a name that quite literally translate to “horny testicle?” If someone can truly harness and mobilize the British vote in this tournament, Randy Bullock has a chance to be this year’s Cinderella team.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    Hunter Bryant

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Randy Bullock

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

5. Charlie Taumoepeau vs. 12. Jalen Reeves-Maybin

Because I am a professional, and this is my job, I have done the extra legwork here to make sure we all move forward pronouncing Charlie’s last name correctly. Per a Portland State media guide, it is pronounced TOU-mo-PAY-uh.

The name Taumoepeau literally translates to “fights with waves,” per the Polynesian Cultural Center, which just makes me jealous that many American have boring last names that translate to things like “color of tree bark” and “member of Black Eyed Peas that isn’t Fergie.”

That being said, I feel bad for both of these contenders, as I’m sure they’ve both had to deal with running out of bubbles when filling out their names in official government paperwork.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    Charlie Taumoepeau

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Jalen Reeves-Maybin

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

4. Shaun Dion Hamilton vs. 13. Jared Goff

It’s rare you find someone that desires to go by three names, but saves us all the inconvenience of a hyphen. I don’t want to have to reach all the way up with my pinky to hit the hyphen key. Pinkies suck. That’s why the keyboard has the right one resting on the useless semicolon/colon button—the two worst punctuation marks. The only good thing about a semicolon is The Lonely Island made a song about is, and the big punchline is that they use it wrong, because both semicolons and colons suck.

Anyway, I like the name Shaun Dion Hamilton. It’s strong, it’s bold, and it’s better than the sum of its parts. It doesn’t try to wow you with rare letters or weird vowel combinations. It’s just extremely confident in who it is, and that’s an enviable trait.

As for Jared Goff, I’m just finally glad I’ve trained my phone not to call him Jared Goof.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    Shaun Dion Hamilton

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Jared Goff

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

6. Da’Shawn Hand vs. 11. Michael Brockers

This is the worst first-round matchup. I’m not particularly fond of either name. Hand has always done somewhat well in this tournament, and I’m not entirely sure why. At this point, though, you’d have to think Name Fatigue is going to set in, given that this is his fourth tournament.

Michael Brockers is fresh, but doesn’t offer much of anything else. I’d be very surprised to see either of these competitors get out of the second round.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    Da’Shawn Hand

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Michael Brockers

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

3. D’Angelo Amos vs. 14. Jeff Okudah

I’m a huge fan of the Amos family. Whether we’re talking Tori or whoever it is that makes the cookies.

(Okay, I’m overexaggerating how much I like Tori Amos. I couldn’t name a single one of her songs before looking it up, but those cookies are damn legit.)

But what I love about the name D’Angelo Amos is that it’s alliteration without technically being alliteration. Any word that strives for alliteration even when impossible is A-OK in my book.

Jeff Okudah brings a solid last name, but with the team’s current influx of players with similar Nigerian backgrounds, it no longer packs the punch it used to. He dropped from a nine seed last year to a 14 seed.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    D’Angelo Amos

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Jeff Okudah

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

7. Javon McKinley vs. 10. Kevin Strong

Javon McKinley’s name is dangerously close to that of 2020 first-round pick Javon Kinlaw, that I’m not so sure they are different people. It’s quite possible that one of them was forced into a situation in which they had to come up with a fake name on the stop, and they did a horrible job doing so.

“No, I’m not Javon Kinlaw. I’m Javon…. McKin…LEE!”

I’m onto you two… or you one.

Kevin Strong has the word strong in it, and he plays defensive tackle—a position that requires a lot of strength. A little too on the nose, for my liking.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    Javon McKinley

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Kevin Strong

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

2. Penei Sewell vs. 15. Jashon Cornell

Alright, let’s just get it out of the way before we get to John Penisini. Between him, Penei Sewell and Randy Bullock, this team is just ridiculously phallic. Now that we’ve mentioned it, can we move on? Because I actually like Penei Sewell’s a lot. Similar to Taumoepeau, Sewell translates to “sea strong.” Plus, Penei utilizes vowels in a creative way.

Jashon Cornell is the pretentious villain in either an 80s skiing or college comedy movie.

Poll

Who has the better name?

  • 0%
    Penei Sewell

    (0 votes)

  • 0%
    Jashon Cornell

    (0 votes)



0 votes total

Vote Now

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